How to Weep with Those Who Weep

Before college, the tragedies surrounding those I loved were kept to a minimum. I had some elderly friends who died, but they had lived long lives, loved the Lord, and were missed greatly by many people. Others that I heard of that had passed away were not people that I knew well or saw often. Seriously, the greatest loss during my childhood had been my cat’s untimely death on the day of my 11th birthday. I truly had no idea how to weep with those who weep.

But recently, it’s been different. Many of my close and lifelong friends are dealing with intense grief and loss.

Just today, a childhood friend lost his 3-year-old little girl.

Earlier this week we grieved with some of our closest friends the one year mark since the passing of their 18-year-old son.

A mom lost her beautiful blond-haired daughter, a friend’s husband lost his battle with depression, and cancer and car accidents have claimed the lives of fathers and husbands, dads and grandfathers, mothers and daughters and sisters and aunts and grandmothers.

A dear friend and neighbor lost her 20-year-old son…and then a short time later…her husband.

My best friend called me 3 years ago early one morning. Her dad just had a massive heart attack. “Well, how is he now!?” I asked in a panic. I had misunderstood. He was gone.

A precious friend loses her husband suddenly to a brain aneurism. After several years, she remarries, she is blessed with two children, and then she has to explain to those children that their life has just changed forever. Their pilot-daddy is gone straight to Jesus.

The wombs of dear friends have been emptied long before lungs and heart and brain were ready, a grief my husband I have walked through with our own children of heaven.

In addition to death, there is so much suffering and pain and heartache.

A dear couple, struggling with infertility, is blessed with a beautiful daughter. They’ll be celebrating her 2nd birthday soon, but not before chemo begins for her newly diagnosed leukemia.

A young mom, my dearest friend, tends the wounds of her infant child in the hospital as he struggles with a rare and serious disease. Meanwhile, she breathes prayers for grace and help and healing for her father while he fights this cancer.

Spouses leave, relationships crumble.

Almost-grown-but-not-ready-yet children seem to teeter on the brink of choices and paths that their parents know will bring them heartache and grief for life…and another mother’s prayer is again received by God.

Friends, we-the-church are collectively one body, and when one member suffers, we all suffer. When one member weeps, we weep collectively. Do you not feel helpless sometimes? Do you not want to just DO something, but you want it to be loving and helpful and encouraging.

Drawing from our own times of grief and in walking through grief with others, I’d like to offer to you some practical ways to help and support and grieve with those who grieve.

..Pray for them.

Lift them up to the throne of grace that they may find grace to help in their time of need. We want to DO, but it’s GOD who heals the brokenhearted. Ask Him to do it. Ask Him to mend the rent souls. Ask Him to fill their lives with the peace that passes understanding and to comfort and minister help to the souls of the grieving.

..Send them a card.

A card can be a blessing, because a grieving wife, mother, or husband can receive it in the privacy of their own home, read it when they are ready, and possibly save it to re-read in the future. My parents lost twin baby boys over 30 years ago — and they still keep a large shoebox overflowing with cards and notes of love and shared sorrow that were sent to them during that time.

..Text them.

If you are a close friend, text or send a facebook message periodically to let them know that you are still grieving with them and praying for them. The grief period will continue for much longer than most others will expect, and, in many ways, it will continue for a lifetime.

..Remember them throughout the year.

When possible, remember the dates that are important to the one grieving. Holidays are an especially difficult season. When your father or sister or child is missing at a holiday season, and yet the world around you (including your co-workers, fellow church members, and even your own family) is celebrating and urging you to “celebrate” with them, the grief is felt more keenly. Memories resurface, traditions cannot continue status quo, and that seat at the dinner table seems especially empty.

Depending on the loss, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are all hard for the grieving. Remember their grief, and pray for them or encourage them with a note or phone call.

A practical way to do this is to purchase or print off a perpetual calendar — a calendar with the dates of the months but not tied to a specific year. Write down important dates to remember and either keep the calendar where you can see it, or every year transfer those dates onto your planner or into your google calendar to remind you of what your friend or loved one is dealing with throughout the year.

..Speak to them about the grief.

People treat those who are grieving differently. We are uncomfortable with grief. We don’t know what to say, and we don’t want to make the person any sadder than they already are. Friend, the grieving widow or father or granddaughter has not forgotten. You are not going to “remind” them that their son died or that their mother died or that their child should be having a birthday soon. They have not forgotten, and they will appreciate your care and concern.

One caveat to speaking to them about their grief is to be sensitive about when and where you speak to them. Don’t rush over just before the Christmas cantata begins to the grieving mother at the piano who is ready to provide the intro to “Joy to the World” before an audience of 400 people.
Or, if you have been brought into confidence concerning a grief, do not assume that the individual is ready for others to hear about their struggles when you ask them at church about how they are doing.
Speak to them in private. Of course the grieving may shed some tears, so speak to them at an appropriate time to weep with them.

..What do I say?

If you are praying for them, then say, “I am praying for you.”
“We are so sorry for your loss,” and “We love you,” are very appropriate.

During times when we were grieving a lost baby, I have appreciated the kind inquiries of friends, such as, “Amanda, we’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing?,” but I know that I only honestly answer that question to people that I trust and know love me. I also can only honestly answer that question in a very small group or in private — not at a wedding reception, not in front of the entire Sunday school class — not at a time inappropriate for me to have a mini-meltdown if that happens.

If you are a close friend, your questions and probing are usually okay. If you are not a close friend, it is usually best to leave your words to, “We have been praying for you and are so sorry for your loss,” or something similar.

..What do I NOT say?

The hardest (well-meaning) comments to receive are from those who are trying to make the grief seem like it’s not as bad as it could have been or as it really is. Do not try to cheer up the weeping friend (we are called to weep with those who weep, remember?) with words that will not encouarage the heart of the griever.

Specifically, do not say (or imply) things like:
“It’s been a year — it’s time to move on.”
“He’s in a better place —  you wouldn’t want it any other way.” (No, that mother probably does want it another way.)
“Grieving couple, you’re still young — there’s time for you to have another.”
“This really wasn’t a good time to have another baby anyway.”
“You deserved better than that boyfriend anyway.”
“Well, I hope that your cancer-ridden sister gets better soon, but let me tell you about my neighbor’s mother and how she lost her battle with cancer….”

By saying trite, often untrue and insensitive “cheer-up” statements like those above, we do not weep with those who weep, but rather we minimize and marginalize their pain and heartache. We cannot help and bear the enormous load of grief of others in this way; rather, the grieving will have to receive encouragement and love from someone else. Let’s not reject the needs and grief of another simply because we are uncomfortable with grief and weeping.

..Give in memory of the deceased.

When my grandfather passed away, one of our neighbors sent several Gideon Bibles in memory of my grandfather. We received a card stating that a certain number of Bibles had been given in honor of my grandfather and distributed around the world. This neighbor didn’t know my grandfather, but they knew and loved my husband and me, and it was a great blessing to us. See below for more specific info on making donations through the Gideons in memory of a loved one.

If the family requests donations made to a particular non-profit or ministry, I encourage you to consider giving in memory of the lost loved one. Your donation can be small or large — here is an opportunity to give generously and bless others, and it is a real blessing to the family who often chooses a ministry that was dear to the heart of the deceased.

..Take food.

In my pocket of the world (the southeastern United States), our tradition is to feed the family (extended family and close friends are usually included) at their home church before or after the funeral, depending on the time of day the food is needed. Often many of the leftovers are wrapped up and sent home with the grieving family so that meals are taken care of for several days. Continue to offer a casserole or a pie or a loaf of banana bread in the weeks to come. Food is an offering of labor and love and lets the grieving know that you remember and love them.

After our first miscarriage, a dear friend, a young widow herself, brought by a box of cupcakes from a local bakery. I’ll always remember those four cupcakes, and I have, at times, dropped by that same bakery for a cupcake….just to remember and grieve a little bit on my own. What a gift.

..Pray for wisdom in ministering to the grieving.

Ask God to comfort the brokenhearted and to use you as an instrument in mending the hearts and the raw grief in others’ lives. We comfort others as we are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). He is the God of all comfort, and by His Spirit He will guide you and lead you to minister His grace and comfort and love to others.

May God gift you and me to envelop others with the love and peace of God, teaching us to weep with those who weep.

<3, amanda

Resources and Links

Ever since our neighbors sent Bibles in memory of my grandfather, my husband and I have frequently used the service provided by the Gideons to send Bibles in memory of those who have lost loved ones. The Gideons will send a card free of charge to whomever you specify, stating the number of Bibles that were given in memory of the loved one. Find out more about giving Bibles through the Gideons.